The Top 10 Tongues Stuck To Frozen Poles

If you’ve never watched the 1983 holiday screen gem “The Christmas Story” or even if you have, one particularly tasty bit of winter wisdom bears repeating: even if you’re triple dog dared, do NOT touch your tongue to a frozen pole!

The Lick Of The Spiro-ish

Are you smarter than a fifth-grader? If the fifth-grader in question is Maranda Byrd of Spiro, Oklahoma, everyone please step up and claim your prize. Poor Maranda got her tongue stuck to a pole one winter but we guess she wasn’t too traumatized because when her smart-ass brothers dared her to do it again the next year, she did… and this time, it didn’t come unstuck. When the school bus pulled up to pick them up, the driver told Maranda she was running late and left her there alone, still stuck to the pole. Well hey, it wasn’t like she was going to wander off or anything.

When The Light Turns Red, His Tongue Turns Blue

When police in Hammond, Indiana were called to free a 10-year-old boy whose tongue had frozen to a streetlight pole, the attending officer just couldn’t help stating “You’d think everybody in the country had seen ‘A Christmas Story’ by now.” As for the boy, he didn’t say much on account of his frostbitten tongue but he did happen to mention that he was dared. Did we mention the fictional town in the movie “The Christmas Story” was based on Hammond? Life really does imitate art and in Hammond, at least, art imitates art: the image above is of the Christmas Story diorama at the Hammond Welcome center.

Boise Will Be Boise

When the morning headlines scream Boise boy licks pole, gets stuck,” it’s either a slow news day or a mighty cold day – ideally, both. Such was the case on December 8th, 2009 when 10-year-old Sam Nicholson from you guessed it, Boise, took a licking and kept on sticking. A passing driver noticed the distressed lad and called 911; firefighters responded with sirens blaring and a glass of warm water to free Sam’s temperature-challenged tongue. Hey, it beats rescuing cats from trees.

Alki Anonymous

Early December of 2009 must have been a real bone-chiller across the entire Pacific northwest because that pole-licking Boise boy had company: a Flick-wannabe from Vancouver, Washington suffered the same embarrassing predicament on the morning of the 9th. As was the case in Idaho, firefighters descended upon the Alki Middle School (“Home Of The Wolves”) but in addition to the glass of warm water, they brought hot cocoa and cookies for the unlucky but unstuck student. The moral of the story is, if you’re going to lick a frozen pole, do it in Vancouver instead of Boise.

Witless Youths Of The World, Unite!

Lest readers think all American kids are idiots, it should be said that the phenomenon of Tongues Stuck To Frozen Poles is international in scope. Take Europe, for instance, suffering through a bitterly cold winter in which frozen poles are attracting their fair share of tongues… and not just in Poland, either. Need a ferinstance? On the weekend before Christmas, German paramedics were called to treat the bleeding tongue of a 16-year-old “witless youth” (direct quote) who got his tongue stuck to a frozen lamp post, panicked, and ripped part of it off… the tongue, not the post. The paramedics were busy most of that night attending to several other witless youths whose tongues couldn’t handle the frigid temps, which probably explains that whole Russian Front fiasco.

You’re A Grand Cold Flag

Back in the USA, a 13-year-old girl from Spokane, Washington, made the national news by getting her tongue stuck to a frozen flagpole outside her school. Perhaps she confused the pole for her uber-cool though slightly standoffish BF. Firefighters arrived at the scene, glass of warm water, yadda yadda yadda. You may have seen pictures of this girl: bleached blonde hair, grunge-goth eye-shadow, massive Madonna-mole… if you’re a flagpole in Spokane be afraid. Be VERY afraid.

Okie Dokie

“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids, in fact it’s cold as hell.” Just ask NASA, Elton John or Jaydun Seaba of Marrs Elementary School in Skiatook, OK. Yep, Okies again (sigh)… anyway, one frosty December day, young Jaydun decided to play Einstein and test the laws of thermodynamics on the school flagpole. Listen Jaydun, I knew Einstein and lemme tell ya, you’re no Einstein. We’ll let Jaydun’s proud pappy describe his pride & joy: “He adventurous, no telling what my boy will do, he love to test the water and see what things will do.” Well doggies! Granny, fix that boy some vittles to go with his glass of warm water!

Heavy Metal Kid

There are worse things than having one’s tongue get stuck to a frozen pole… such as, getting it stuck to a frozen dumpster. Same cause & effect, what with metal being metal and kids being foolish. This little episode of Dumpster Love comes to us courtesy of Box Elder, South Dakota, a smallish burg of just over 2,000 souls. One such soul, a 9-year-old boy who shall go nameless, admitted to watching “The Christmas Story” and triple dog dared himself to stick his tongue on a frozen pole the very next day. Why hasn’t that movie been banned yet? Won’t someone think of the children? Anyway, Box Elder evidently has a shortage of poles so the budding genius chose a dumpster, probably the last thing anyone would want to lick anytime, anywhere and in any weather.

Feeling Minnesota

When Ethan Mohr‘s mother sent him out to get the mail one particularly frigid northern Minnesota morning, she didn’t bargain on the natural affinity of children to make every outing an adventure. When Ethan returned shouting “Mom, my tongue is bleeding!,” however, she immediately jumped to the right conclusion by asking “Did you lick a pole or something?” The end result in a nutshell was Mohr Ethan, less tongue.

Oh Deer…

We’ll bet you a buck deers don’t watch holiday movies and speaking of which, the buck stops here at a backyard birdfeeder’s squirrel baffle. Did some faun fatale triple deer dare him? When he realized his tongue was stuck did he exclaim “DOE!”? Will this serve as a graphic warning to others of his elk? All we know for certain is that next time the situation presents itself, he won’t act all namby-bambi.

While there’s no cure for winter, frozen poles or triple-dog-dared kids, some basic education and a little common sense can go a long way towards making winter a safer season. Referring to the former, far too many cases of Frozen Tongue Syndrome occur on school grounds and as for the latter, didn’t your Mom ever tell you not to stick your tongue out because it might STAY that way?

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